My Story: A Testimony & Ministry

I grew up in a Lutheran Church. At the young age of two months I was baptized and at 14 I was confirmed into the membership of the church. To me, following Christ meant being able to distinguish between right and wrong.  I had little awareness of Christ’s love.  I often thought of Him in terms of Him dying for my sins, but not of His love for me.  My faith was very heavy in legalism.  This often caused me to judge my friends and family in their daily life, resulting in heated debates about controversial issues.  I thought it was my job to tell them how they were living their life incorrectly. These circumstances were frequent while I was in middle school and also during the years I attended Lincoln High.

It was when I got to college that God really started peeling back the layers.  I got involved in a Christian student ministry which taught me about grace.  God revealed to me the depths of my wrongs in judging others and how He is the only one qualified to judge.  I realized I had only been displaying God’s judgement and not His love.  During this gradual realization, I also realized how broken I am and that I as well deserve to be judged by God.  This is truly when Christ captured my heart and showed me the Gospel is a message of truth and grace.  We fall short of perfection indefinitely and cannot meet God’s expectations.  Yet, He offered Christ as a sacrifice to cover our imperfections so that we could know Him.

These truths compelled me to live life differently. Now, when I dialogue about life with people, I listen to their heart and realize despite any mistakes they have made, I have made them too.  I want them to know that our real purpose and fulfillment comes from Christ.  We are going to continue to make mistakes, but He can help us change.  While I accepted Christ at a young age, it was really in college that I decided I wanted Jesus to have complete leadership of my life.

I graduated college in May 2010 with a Bachelor of Arts, majoring in Sociology and minoring in Business.  During my college years, God gave me a lot of immensely valuable gifts.  While involved with campus ministry, I experienced community filled with love and challenges to grow in my character.  Additionally, as a junior, I was able to study abroad in Northern Italy for three months while studying business.  I carry these experiences with me to this day.

Following college, I felt God calling me to go on my first missions trip.  In the summer of 2010, I spent five weeks serving in the inner city of New York City.  During my time of serving, I observed God’s deep love for people and His desire for people’s needs to be met.  This meant holistic needs: physical, spiritual, emotional and so on.  I ended my time there feeling a yearning in my heart to continue investing time in NYC, but I had to return home.

Upon my return, I felt lost and uncertain of what God had next for me.  I continued to pray for His direction as I job searched and sought community outside of college. In the winter of 2010, I felt God calling me to intern with the inner city ministry of Cru in NYC.  Through an arduous journey of praying, seeking, and doing, God brought me to NYC in October of 2011.  I was excited, I felt so confidently that God had me where He wanted me.  I served for two years as an intern with Cru, working with churches and ministries in the inner city.  We equipped them to meet not only physical needs, but spiritual ones as well.  We trained partner ministries on how to start programs for adults, we distributed food and other necessary items, and we also helped ministries get volunteers.  My role was to share about what God was doing through our ministry via website, Facebook page, and Twitter.  I would share about our events and coordinate our volunteers.  God enabled me to serve in ways I didn’t anticipate, but were very satisfying. I got to invest in college art students who were following Christ.  In the summers of 2012 and 2013, I helped staff short-term mission trips to NYC where students learned how to integrate their art and faith.  It was exciting to encourage and help creative believers grow.

Despite these experiences and the desires that God has placed on my heart.  There is another place that has stayed on my heart for a number of years and that is Italy. Throughout the past few years, I have considered returning, but God has had me elsewhere.  I have decided to step-out in faith and serve God in Rome the next year.  This is not because it is comfortable, but because it is a place God has put in my heart.  I know that He will use my love for speaking the language (the little I know!) and my intrigue for Italian culture to help me connect with Italians.  God often asks for our willingness and obedience and so I am responding by committing to serve in Rome for a year. Following God is always an adventure and I know He will use me in the process!

Shifting & Turning

If I think through this past year, it has brought on many changes. 
I moved here a little over a year ago and SO much has happened. 

Testament to God's plan and not my own I suppose. 
Here's a quick run-down:

Moving for my first time ever, away from friends and family, and the only house I've ever lived in. [Granted I had three long-term stays away from my hometown, two months in New York State, three months in Italy & one+ months in NYC].

Having expectations change.  One big one was expecting a friend to move with me. 
Within the past year, I've had two good friends leave.  One I worked with closely, the other was my first roommate. 

God continues to change my support system and reminds me to be first relying on Him.  Community is important and necessary, but needs to be grounded in Him first. 
We need other people, but we need Him greatly. 

He reminds me through my circumstances. 

Unexpected situations may be more difficult than ones that we can anticipate. 
Speaking, erm, writing of such...

It's been almost two weeks since Hurricane Sandy. 
The first day, I spent bundled up in my home with one my roommates.  Feeling little affect if any--mostly rattling windows and some chilling breezes.  While, others experienced destruction. Some people are still without power.  People lost their homes and possessions to flooding.  Some people even died. 

I think of these situations and see how God brings hope out of the ashes.  The beauty of people coming together to respond to need.  Why do we need a natural disaster for this?  Perhaps uncertainty brings compassion out of us, because we cannot blame people for their situations.  Even as I ponder that, I thank God for His calling of people to rise up and take action.  Rise UP and respond, with grace, truth, and the love of Christ. 

I'm thankful in a time such as this, that I am present amongst difficulty.  Although my space was untouched, my work was less fortunate.  We are feeling the affects of the storm surge, but are grateful for SO much.  We feel overwhelmed in a good way as we see people serve us.  We don't deserve such love.  God is good.  And more so, I get to respond to others' needs throughout the city. 

And now, six days from our event, I continue to turn my head, to our current focus.  BOX OF LOVE.  Why provide thousands of families with Thanksgiving meals? God loves them!  We want people to know this, so we serve, and strive to provide.  So that, they know despite their circumstances, we notice them.  More importantly, they are not forgotten by God. 

We get to provide for more families this year, due to the storm. 
I know and trust God uses the hardest of experiences to move in people.  Let's see Him work and be amazed! 

That Calling Thing

Woah.  I have really left you all with a cliff hanger, huh?

I did not expect you to be sitting on the edge of your seat and I hope you haven't because that would be a painful wait. 

Pardon my delay in posting...

God has called me to stay in New York! [to intern a second year]

By now you probably know this, but I felt it is past due for me to expand.

At the beginning of this process, I spent a lot of time talking with friends, praying, and contemplating where God may have me.  Uncertainty is a hard place to be.  This is one of many times when God holds me close.  

I’m currently reading a book, “Not a Fan”, by Kyle Idleman, which overall challenges my perception of how I follow God.  In reference to my uncertainty and calling though, this statement hit me, “Jesus wants followers who will say yes to him before they even know the request.  A follower of Jesus says, “My answer is yes, now where did you want me to go?” Jesus may point to Burma, or he may point across the street (180).”  

What I’m trying to say, is that I desire to have a willingness to serve anywhere. 

Right now that means, God has me in New York.  Sometimes that is difficult, like when I spend time with dear friends, who understand calling or striving to serve Christ, and I know I can’t see them all the time.  Or, when it means not having Sunday coffee with my mom after church because I’m too far away.  Or, when I make friends in the city and then they move away.  

I don’t want to forget the beauty, too.  Like, when God uses our ministry to show children they’re loved.  Or, when I get to interact with fun families volunteering or visit the one who lives below me.  Or, when I get to enjoy a waterfront park.  

God calls us regardless of the circumstances.  Drop this and pick up this.  And by this, I mean the cross.  

God never said following Him would be easy; in fact, there are many examples in the Bible where followers have endured much difficulty.  

Uncertainty can be difficult, but knowing that you are being called somewhere is powerful.  That challenge is a purposeful process where God brings me closer.  

Those months of seeking Him and continue to seek Him as I prepare to return to NYC.  Refining.  The process of which can be painful, but so amazing as I trust Him to provide.  Thankfully, I have been affirmed through many people as I pursue another year of serving there.  

So, yes, to another year in ministry.  Yes, to uncertainty.  Yes, to risk and pain.  For the sake of the love of Christ.  For others to know Christ, through actions and words.  God, take me there.

The Cliff

I think I'm on the precipice.

I don't think it is dangerous, but it may be painful.  I don't think God desires to put me in pain, but desires something grander a molding of sorts.  You know, when you experience pain, but it teaches you a lesson?

I'm there, perhaps.  Or, maybe I'm being dramatic.

I think of my expectations, connections, and desires and realize that some go unfulfilled or unmet.  Really though, is that a bad thing?  I think of how God's plan is greater and how He has surprised me time and time again with His plans and goodness.

Thinking to the New Testament, I remember the texts when Jesus claims to be THE Messiah, King of KINGS, Lord of Lords, THE son of GOD...And, I think, the Jews of the time did not expect their Messiah to be poor, one who serves, or who heals, but instead someone who takes over and reigns the Earth.  Yet, I believe, that what God had in store was much greater than the Jews could have ever planned for their Messiah.

Makes me think, do I look at my life that way?
I plot out the steps and when God shows me the plan, I think God, that's not what I had in mind or expected and I'm not sure about your plan.  Hmm.  Makes one think. 

I'm hoping I soon jump off this precipice into the trust of God's plan.

Slam it?

Open it.

Slam it.

Leave it ajar?

Like many, many times before, I ask God, what's next? Where do you want me?
I know, errrrt, back-up, right?

I'm here for the next six months.  Yet, it's time for me to make a decision I'm not ready to make yet.  When I first arrived here I knew that I should start praying about what was next after the end of my internship.  Yes, I'm a planner.  However, I arrived just four months ago.  I knew this time would come, but I thought I would be ready to make a decision.

This is why my prayer is to ask God, not just about staying here, but if there is something else, something different, I should do afterwards.

This is my conundrum.  I think, like many other times, God is testing me.  Saying, "Where's your faith?  Do you trust me?"  And, in His perfect time, seemingly the last moment, He will make it crystal clear to me and lead me forward. (The story about Jesus calming the storm seems like a perfect fit for this situation...I'm a disciple.)

In my determination for a black and white answer from God, I am praying that God will slam doors or open doors so that I can follow.  If you believe that God answers prayer, please pray with me.  I know God is sovereign, loves me, and desires all nations to know Him.  I pray I am compelled by this.  

The So What

Recently, I went to a Social Media Conference with a couple other staff members. I'm not going to blog about the conference, but the concept of "so, what?" was brought forward. It seems very pertinent to life.

I'm doing all this things in my life, so, what? Meaning, for what purpose?

I'm reminded that I am doing inner-city ministry. So that..
God will be glorified. People will know His name, His love, and realize purpose.

Whenever I think about what I am doing or what I am doing something, I need to come back to that. Purpose is God-centered.

I wish I could easily sum-up these first few months of interning. I'm honest when I say, I'm disappointed that I have not updated since arriving. I am not disappointed, however, that I have been present in our ministry. Although, part of me often thinks, or has a tendency to think, I could be doing more.

If you have been receiving my newsletter updates, that is super awesome. I enjoy sharing what is going on with ministry, but don't get an opportunity to share what is on my heart as often.

God has been pointing me to live in the present. I often desire to know, what's NEXT? This is the planner in me--so I often look to the future. This in itself is not bad, but can lead to not be "presently present". So, I pray I can balance being in the 'here and now' and trusting God for direction and obedience. So that, I can best serve God.

These past few months we held a couple of outreaches. I have been doing some ministry of my own so that people who are often overlooked by society can know, can experience, God's great love for them. I believe, as a Christian, we are called to this.

I'm called to love others so that they can know God. I have been reminded, these last few months, of not only doing, but saying... Yes, I'm serving, so that people can know Jesus Christ in reality.

Basically, I don't know what I'm doing all the time, but trusting God, and serving God, because I don't know what is next, but I do know He wants me here right now. Thankfully, I can appreciate a mystery.

"And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel according to each day’s need, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other. And may your hearts be fully committed to the LORD our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time." 1 Kings 8:59-61

Swimming

So you know that feeling?

The one where you are in a pool? When you try running and you feel like you are barely moving? That is where I am right now.

I am running after God's calling--seeking His plan, where He wants me. Yet, God still has me at home. I try to figure it out, but can't, it must mean there is some purpose for me to be here now...still.

I will fight for this. I will follow you God.

A dear friend brought to my attention chapter eleven of Hebrews; here are some verses that have stood out to me recently. Although, I recommend reading the whole chapter; the whole book.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible." Hebrews 11:1-3

By faith, I am running up this mountain, awaiting God's guidance and provision. I believe He will get me through, again, again, and again...