That Calling Thing

Woah.  I have really left you all with a cliff hanger, huh?

I did not expect you to be sitting on the edge of your seat and I hope you haven't because that would be a painful wait. 

Pardon my delay in posting...

God has called me to stay in New York! [to intern a second year]

By now you probably know this, but I felt it is past due for me to expand.

At the beginning of this process, I spent a lot of time talking with friends, praying, and contemplating where God may have me.  Uncertainty is a hard place to be.  This is one of many times when God holds me close.  

I’m currently reading a book, “Not a Fan”, by Kyle Idleman, which overall challenges my perception of how I follow God.  In reference to my uncertainty and calling though, this statement hit me, “Jesus wants followers who will say yes to him before they even know the request.  A follower of Jesus says, “My answer is yes, now where did you want me to go?” Jesus may point to Burma, or he may point across the street (180).”  

What I’m trying to say, is that I desire to have a willingness to serve anywhere. 

Right now that means, God has me in New York.  Sometimes that is difficult, like when I spend time with dear friends, who understand calling or striving to serve Christ, and I know I can’t see them all the time.  Or, when it means not having Sunday coffee with my mom after church because I’m too far away.  Or, when I make friends in the city and then they move away.  

I don’t want to forget the beauty, too.  Like, when God uses our ministry to show children they’re loved.  Or, when I get to interact with fun families volunteering or visit the one who lives below me.  Or, when I get to enjoy a waterfront park.  

God calls us regardless of the circumstances.  Drop this and pick up this.  And by this, I mean the cross.  

God never said following Him would be easy; in fact, there are many examples in the Bible where followers have endured much difficulty.  

Uncertainty can be difficult, but knowing that you are being called somewhere is powerful.  That challenge is a purposeful process where God brings me closer.  

Those months of seeking Him and continue to seek Him as I prepare to return to NYC.  Refining.  The process of which can be painful, but so amazing as I trust Him to provide.  Thankfully, I have been affirmed through many people as I pursue another year of serving there.  

So, yes, to another year in ministry.  Yes, to uncertainty.  Yes, to risk and pain.  For the sake of the love of Christ.  For others to know Christ, through actions and words.  God, take me there.

The Cliff

I think I'm on the precipice.

I don't think it is dangerous, but it may be painful.  I don't think God desires to put me in pain, but desires something grander a molding of sorts.  You know, when you experience pain, but it teaches you a lesson?

I'm there, perhaps.  Or, maybe I'm being dramatic.

I think of my expectations, connections, and desires and realize that some go unfulfilled or unmet.  Really though, is that a bad thing?  I think of how God's plan is greater and how He has surprised me time and time again with His plans and goodness.

Thinking to the New Testament, I remember the texts when Jesus claims to be THE Messiah, King of KINGS, Lord of Lords, THE son of GOD...And, I think, the Jews of the time did not expect their Messiah to be poor, one who serves, or who heals, but instead someone who takes over and reigns the Earth.  Yet, I believe, that what God had in store was much greater than the Jews could have ever planned for their Messiah.

Makes me think, do I look at my life that way?
I plot out the steps and when God shows me the plan, I think God, that's not what I had in mind or expected and I'm not sure about your plan.  Hmm.  Makes one think. 

I'm hoping I soon jump off this precipice into the trust of God's plan.

Slam it?

Open it.

Slam it.

Leave it ajar?

Like many, many times before, I ask God, what's next? Where do you want me?
I know, errrrt, back-up, right?

I'm here for the next six months.  Yet, it's time for me to make a decision I'm not ready to make yet.  When I first arrived here I knew that I should start praying about what was next after the end of my internship.  Yes, I'm a planner.  However, I arrived just four months ago.  I knew this time would come, but I thought I would be ready to make a decision.

This is why my prayer is to ask God, not just about staying here, but if there is something else, something different, I should do afterwards.

This is my conundrum.  I think, like many other times, God is testing me.  Saying, "Where's your faith?  Do you trust me?"  And, in His perfect time, seemingly the last moment, He will make it crystal clear to me and lead me forward. (The story about Jesus calming the storm seems like a perfect fit for this situation...I'm a disciple.)

In my determination for a black and white answer from God, I am praying that God will slam doors or open doors so that I can follow.  If you believe that God answers prayer, please pray with me.  I know God is sovereign, loves me, and desires all nations to know Him.  I pray I am compelled by this.  

The So What

Recently, I went to a Social Media Conference with a couple other staff members. I'm not going to blog about the conference, but the concept of "so, what?" was brought forward. It seems very pertinent to life.

I'm doing all this things in my life, so, what? Meaning, for what purpose?

I'm reminded that I am doing inner-city ministry. So that..
God will be glorified. People will know His name, His love, and realize purpose.

Whenever I think about what I am doing or what I am doing something, I need to come back to that. Purpose is God-centered.

I wish I could easily sum-up these first few months of interning. I'm honest when I say, I'm disappointed that I have not updated since arriving. I am not disappointed, however, that I have been present in our ministry. Although, part of me often thinks, or has a tendency to think, I could be doing more.

If you have been receiving my newsletter updates, that is super awesome. I enjoy sharing what is going on with ministry, but don't get an opportunity to share what is on my heart as often.

God has been pointing me to live in the present. I often desire to know, what's NEXT? This is the planner in me--so I often look to the future. This in itself is not bad, but can lead to not be "presently present". So, I pray I can balance being in the 'here and now' and trusting God for direction and obedience. So that, I can best serve God.

These past few months we held a couple of outreaches. I have been doing some ministry of my own so that people who are often overlooked by society can know, can experience, God's great love for them. I believe, as a Christian, we are called to this.

I'm called to love others so that they can know God. I have been reminded, these last few months, of not only doing, but saying... Yes, I'm serving, so that people can know Jesus Christ in reality.

Basically, I don't know what I'm doing all the time, but trusting God, and serving God, because I don't know what is next, but I do know He wants me here right now. Thankfully, I can appreciate a mystery.

"And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel according to each day’s need, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other. And may your hearts be fully committed to the LORD our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time." 1 Kings 8:59-61

Swimming

So you know that feeling?

The one where you are in a pool? When you try running and you feel like you are barely moving? That is where I am right now.

I am running after God's calling--seeking His plan, where He wants me. Yet, God still has me at home. I try to figure it out, but can't, it must mean there is some purpose for me to be here now...still.

I will fight for this. I will follow you God.

A dear friend brought to my attention chapter eleven of Hebrews; here are some verses that have stood out to me recently. Although, I recommend reading the whole chapter; the whole book.

"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible." Hebrews 11:1-3

By faith, I am running up this mountain, awaiting God's guidance and provision. I believe He will get me through, again, again, and again...

Doubting

So, I thought I would not be blogging until I started my internship. However, I felt an urging that I should blog today. Thoughts are churning.

I will be honest, I have had my doubts about support raising (not the idea of it, but how/if it will be completed). I wonder, who doesn't?? It has been frustrating, putting work into it and not knowing what is going to happen. I remember this work is not in vain. There is PURPOSE. I feel deep deep deep down that God is urging me...

Do you believe I can provide?
Do you know I own all?

Apparently, I doubt the Almighty. I was so confident before. What is different, God or me?

Twice today, TWICE, I heard the story, although familiar to me, about the crowd, two fish, five loaves of bread, the disciples, and Jesus. The story can be found in Matthew 14, Mark 6, and Luke 9. The disciples doubt that Jesus can provide food for thousands of people, yet He does it. Not only that, but people were satisfied, and there was a surplus of food. Why do I question when I have seen personally how God provides TIME and TIME again?

I also feel prompted.
Do you TRUST that this is my plan for you?
I know it is, but this doubt is frustrating. I don't want to doubt God's plan.

So, here it is...God, I can't promise I won't doubt anymore. However, God, I will be obedient and trust You to carry me, because I'm not strong enough.

Perspective

A while ago, I was looking and reading through my old blog entries, just up to the beginning of summer project, not my study abroad experience though. It has been interesting going through all my thoughts about summer project. I just realized that today marks the almost two month period of being home. It has not been without its ups and downs. I also recognized that today is the two-month “anniversary” of our cat being put down. I did not reveal this before, but my family put her down the last night I was at summer project. It was hard to say the least. She was about seventeen years old and I basically grew up with her around…she was three when we got her.

Anyway, I don’t want to get wrapped up in writing about our sweet cat, that’s not quite what I wanted to write about today. Last time I wrote, I was still adjusting to being back home and now I’m used to it. I can’t for certainty say I am where I believe I am supposed to be. However, for now I think God has me back home, until my next journey is revealed. I have had a lot of opportunities to talk to people about my summer and tell them what a blessing it has been as well as tell them it is JUST the beginning. God has broken my heart for many people.

My existence back here is such a change. I’m job searching and am no longer a student. In New York, my time was so planned and focused—it’s not quite like that now. Certainly, I continue to be organized and purposeful with my time, but not to that extent. I have been able to spend quality time with friends, doing things such as, baking, watching football, organizing my things, helping my parents, writing friends and much more. As much as I desire a full-time job, I feel I have been blessed with this time to do other things. One big joy has been my time with a local ministry.

Since the beginning of August, I have been doing service work with a ministry that focuses on meeting the needs of people and being a light to the community. I help with food distributions and kids’ nights. There are challenging moments, for instance, when I cannot understand someone because I don’t speak their language. Sometimes, it gives me a longing to know as many languages as possible. This most recent time was a little trying, but SO worth it. It was in the forties on Saturday and I got placed at a table with frozen food. I didn’t have gloves and I was handling frozen poultry. This is not to complain, but to say that giving and participating in meeting people’s needs can be difficult, but so beautiful. As it says in Deuteronomy 15:7-8, “7 If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother. 8 Rather be openhanded and freely lend him whatever he needs.” I am giving my time and my care, but in the scheme of things it is not too much. I don’t mean this in a good or bad way. I pray people are blessed through the things we are doing and see Christ’s love through our giving. Someone cares. They are not unimportant.

I’ve continued to seek what this means in relation to my family and friends. How do I love them? How do I care for them and show them Christ’s love? Being sinful, it can be a challenge, but I know in the end, following Christ is the way to live. Summer project has definitely been a useful tool, for developing how I relate to others and show them love. I feel this is often displayed in service. Also, I have been reading some books since I returned home.

The first one I read was by John Piper, a popular preacher among my friends and the book was given to me as a graduation gift from a dear couple I know. The book is entitled, “Life As A Vapor” and is a reminder that life is fleeting and quick. What should I be doing with my time?? Some choice quotes from the book:

“We simply do not know whether one path or the other will prove to be the path on which some remarkable turn of affairs may take place for the glory of God all out of proportion to what we planned or expected” (83-84).

“But we are not responsible that the choices we make, with the best motives and knowledge available, and with good counsel, will prove to be the most influential or effective choices in producing converts or changing lives. That is God’s work, not ours” (84). This quote really resounded with me because it reminds me, that it is not my work, but God’s and even my BEST efforts are not good enough if done on my own. I can only do what is in my heart and what God expects of me and trust His plans for what I’m doing.

“God is not like a firefighter who gets calls to show up at calamities when the damage is already happening. He is more like a surgeon who plans the cutting He must do and plans it for good purposes” (126). This reminds me that God has plans (Jeremiah) and that it is purposeful for me to endure the difficult times. A verse that shows I will not always understand God’s actions: “For who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the spirit of God”. 1 Corinthians 2:11
I highly recommend that book; it was the first Piper book I read. I’ll probably read more. Following that book, I just finished, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” by Joshua Harris. It, as well, is a Christian book. It gave me a lot of perspective about relationships, both romantic and platonic. Throughout reading these books, I’ve also periodically been reading a book called “Who Is Black? One Nation’s Definition” by F. James Davis. It’s pretty interesting; it’s a historical-sociological look at how society has defined who is African American. I guess I have really taken up reading since I have returned, but then I cannot remember when I did not like reading.

Something that has been good about this time back home…just a lot of searching and seeking God. I’m blessed that I have time to serve others, spend time with people, and parents who are patient with my job search. I’ll end this with good news---I got offered a part-time job! God IS good. I ponder this blessing especially today when I met a homeless man who became homeless two months ago when he lost his job. May God provide him relief and hope.